


Past Conditional

by cruisedirector



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Changing Tenses, Community: contrelamontre, Crushes, Introspection, M/M, No Dialogue, POV First Person, Remix, Stony - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-03
Packaged: 2018-03-25 03:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3795784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruisedirector/pseuds/cruisedirector
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the reasons nothing ever happened were good reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Past

**Author's Note:**

  * For [karelian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/karelian/gifts).



> Written for the Contrelamontre challenge to write a story with two scenes in different tenses. Remixed.

All the reasons nothing ever happened were good reasons. There was the fact that we had to save the world, for one thing. All the tension needed to be channeled into that fight, and I didn't want to mess with a working relationship that, if not ideal, still got the job done. There was also the mess of Tony's personal life. He flirted a lot, but apart from Pepper, it didn't seem like anyone held his interest for more than a week at a time. And, truth be told, I was a little rusty...or, to be perfectly honest, in some aspects untried. I was nervous enough around the women of Tony's century, who were a lot more forward than most of the girls I'd known. It was hard to get used to the idea that a man could tell another man what he wanted right out in the open, and I was sure Tony had tried a lot of things I'd hardly imagined.

So it didn't occur to me for a long time that Tony might really be interested, not just looking for another name to add to what I was sure was an impressive list. We were under a lot of stress, the kind that makes people push boundaries they might never have tested if they hadn't been so far from everything familiar. I remember seeing what it did to Bucky, even though he had a lot more experience with war and with life in most ways than I did. I'm not sure how much it changed Tony, whom I've been told was even more wild when he was younger. I think I'm glad I never knew him then.

All the reasons nothing ever happened were good reasons, but it almost happened anyway. Right after New York, when the shawarma had been eaten and it was time to clean up the streets, the possibility of it was like a passenger with us in the car. We had to stop and consult privately with it before we could make decisions about whether we could work together again, where we should live, what kind of awed, corny things we could say about the changed world. It was distracting but also magical, and that's not a word I use lightly in this world where people carry libraries in the palms of their hands. 

I didn't think either of us wanted a fling, and I guess neither of us could figure out how it could finally be anything else. The truth is that I really liked being with him, and I didn't want to lose that over whatever jealousy might rear its ugly head. All the reasons nothing ever happened were good reasons, though we never talked about them, and if we had I'm not sure it would have changed anything. There's a thin line between being afraid of falling in love because it will have to end and being afraid because you're in love and it will have to end. I didn't realize I'd already crossed that line until after I left.


	2. Conditional

All the reasons nothing ever happened were good reasons, but looking back across these months, I can see how scared I was, and I think that in the end I didn't spare myself any suffering. I've missed him just as much as if we'd been closer, and I wouldn't have had to spend all this time wondering what it would have been like, whether he would have said yes. When we said goodbye last summer, neither of us thought we'd be back in New York together. When I reached the city yesterday, I called him, and we talked for a long time for the first time since I left. The possibility that one of us would say something was like a third party on the line whom I kept expecting to hear during the silences, but in the end we just agreed to see each other the next day. That's today.

I've overanalyzed, hedged my bets and stalled things so badly that maybe now all we have time for is a fling, if he's even interested. We wasted time when it could have been more. Is there time now to pile into a car with him and take off for parts unknown, see what we can figure out between us? Whatever happens will have to be fast, even if it's nothing -- even if it's just a couple of evenings of catch-up conversation and reminiscing. But I don't want to make the same mistake of being afraid even to think about what could happen. Or afraid to talk about it. The worst thing he could say is that he never wanted it, which is also the best thing he could say -- it would silence all the maybe's and could-haves, even if I'm not sure I'd believe him. 

Or he could say that he did want it, but things have changed, which, at least, would be honest. He could say that he wants it still, but it's too late, he's got Pepper and a different life. Then I could argue with him or choose not to argue with him, but at least I wouldn't be choosing out of fear. All the reasons nothing ever happened were good reasons once, but that time is gone. We don't have to work together or die trying; we have time to get right the things that didn't come together the first time around. Even if it's not the way we might do things if we could start over again, tonight when it's just the two of us, I'm going to tell him so, without worrying about where it could take us. As soon as he gets here, I'm letting go of everything that might happen to see what will.


End file.
